Last week the kids came home with the Note I Hate — you know the one: Someone at School Has Lice!

Dammit.

The school never identifies either the specific class or the specific child, which I really like, but AS IT TURNS OUT this year the class is Charlie’s!  Woo!  I know that because his teacher went ahead and told us all last week during our parent-teacher conferences.  I was glad she mentioned it because I was wondering why Charlie was making such a big deal about how he was NOT SITTING ON THE RUG in his classroom (”because there might be BUGS in it, Mama!”).

It all makes sense now.

Anyway, when The Note came home, I had The Talk with the boys.  No, not THAT talk, the one about keeping their hats to themselves at school.

Me: So someone at school has lice, which are –

Charlie: BUGS!  That live in your HAIR!  They lay eggs.  Behind your ears.

Me: Ugh.  I mean, yes, right!  Anyway someone at school has lice and –

Henry: Who has lice?

Me: We don’t know.

Henry: Charlie, do YOU know who has lice?

Charlie: WELL Henry I know that it’s –

Me: STOP! It doesn’t matter who it is.

Charlie: Right.  But it’s someone in my class.

Me:  Okay hello FOCUS.  Pay attention.  We don’t care who has the lice.

Henry: Yes we do.

Me: NO WE DO NOT.  Listen to me.

Henry: Okay.  Sheesh.

Me:  We don’t want lice.  So don’t share your hats with anyone.

Charlie: We’re not allowed to wear hats to school.

Me: Right.  When it gets COLD and you’re wearing a hat for school, like outside at recess?  Wear your own hat.  Don’t share your hat with anyone, and don’t try your friends’ hats on.  Okay?

Henry: Okay, but what if one of my friends forgets his hat?  Can I loan him mine?

Me: No.  WEAR YOUR OWN HAT.

Henry: But Jesus says that we should share with people.

Me: Jesus does NOT want you to have lice.

Charlie: Is that in the Bible?

Me: Yes.  Yes it is.

Honestly?  I think God will forgive me for that one, if only because the Holy Mother is TOTALLY on my side here.  I just know she is.